Letting go of what other people would think…

We fall toward a tendency to attend more to the external reasons behind our actions, rather than connect to our own internal reasons. 

Extrinsic motivation is when you do something not for internal joy, but for an external reason. Like your taxes—you do them not because it’s so fun and you love it, but because you want to get a tax return or avoid a penalty. 

Although the purpose of extrinsic motivation is often to gain a reward or avoid punishment, it can also become contingent on self-worth. For example, “I’m pursuing this career because it’s what others’ expect of me— if I quit, people would think less of me and I would be a failure.” This can be an especially harmful spiral of chasing external validation because we cannot control other people’s behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. As a result, basing our own self-worth off of what other people think is a zero sum game.

But then, why do we do it? In South Asian culture, and other highly interdependent societies, so much of our behavior is tied up in societal expectations. We have a saying in Hindi, “log kya kahenge?” or “what will people think?” We highly value community and cohesion and work really hard to prevent discord. Yet, while supporting family and community can be important values, focusing on extrinsic motivation at the expense of our own personal motivation can be very self-defeating and draining over time. Especially because we have little control over what other people’s reactions end up being! We could do everything that society wanted, but there still might be someone left feeling like you could have done more…

I know personally once I started this practice of connecting my goals to my own intrinsic motivation, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I no longer was focusing on others’ and trying to chase after external validation and could focus on myself. I’m still aware of society’s expectations and consider what people important to me think, but I’m paying careful attention to what drives me internally as well.

Now, here’s a thought experiment:

What if you intentionally were to connect your purpose to something from within (think your own goals, aspirations, personal values) rather than weighing so heavily on other people’s expectations or disappointments? 🧐

🌿 What would your life’s purpose be? 

🌿 Would you abandon your old purpose altogether and pursue something different? 

🌿 Or would it strengthen your resolve for what you’ve been doing? 

🌿 What if we dared to act for ourselves, rather than for other people’s expectations?