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Zane Gonzalez and the Power of Simple Rituals in High-Stakes Moments
Last night’s game between the Commanders and Buccaneers showcased the immense mental and physical pressure kickers face. Fans may have noticed Zane Gonzalez adjusting his hair and gear before putting on his helmet. To many, this might have seemed like a quirky pre-kick ritual or even a superstition. However, for Gonzalez—who has openly shared his experience living with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)—these actions likely reflect a deeper challenge: the relentless drive to feel “just right.”
Understanding “Just Right” OCD
OCD is often misunderstood as a disorder of “cleanliness” or “organization,” but it’s far more complex. “Just right” OCD refers to a subtype where individuals experience an overwhelming sense of discomfort when something feels off, whether it’s their environment, their movements, or even their internal state. This can drive repetitive behaviors—not out of habit, but as compulsions to neutralize that feeling of “wrongness.”
For Gonzalez, those pre-kick adjustments may not simply be quirks but instead subtle ways of managing the intense mental discomfort that OCD can create.
Simplicity as a Strength
In a 2017 interview with ESPN, Gonzalez spoke candidly about his mental approach to sports:
"Soccer is really interactive. If you mess up, you always keep going. Kicking, if you do mess up, you have to make sure you're mentally strong enough to go to the sideline and forget about it and move on to the next kick."
For a kicker, every attempt is a moment of intense scrutiny. Gonzalez’s approach to preparation—a deliberate, simplified pre-kick routine—helps him manage the unique pressure of his position. Keeping rituals short and intentional is not just about efficiency; it’s about maintaining control in the face of mental noise.
The Role of Rituals in Managing OCD
Although traditional Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy often focuses on reducing or eliminating rituals altogether to break free from OCD’s grip, there are moments when a simple ritual can be grounding. The key distinction is this: the individual must decide when to stop, rather than letting OCD dictate their actions. Gonzalez’s ability to balance a streamlined routine with his mental health challenges demonstrates remarkable self-awareness and resilience.
Why Simple Rituals Matter Under Pressure
In high-stakes moments, simplicity isn’t just practical; it’s powerful. Here’s why:
Prevents Overthinking: A clear, concise routine minimizes the risk of spiraling into intrusive thoughts or second-guessing.
Builds Consistency: Repetition creates muscle memory, allowing actions to become second nature.
Calms the Mind: Purposeful yet simple actions provide structure without adding unnecessary complexity.
Lessons from the Field (and Life)
Gonzalez’s story offers valuable insights for anyone striving to perform under pressure, whether on the field or in everyday life:
Simplify the Essentials: Streamline your preparation to focus on what truly matters.
Know Your Triggers: Understanding what distracts you can help you create rituals that ground you without controlling you.
Channel Anxiety into Action: Structured, purposeful preparation can transform nervous energy into performance.
A Deeper Look Beneath the Surface
Gonzalez’s journey reminds us that thriving under pressure isn’t about achieving perfection—it’s about preparation and self-awareness. His ability to adapt his routines and manage his mental health is a testament to his resilience. And next time you see someone adjusting or fidgeting before a critical moment, consider the possibility that there’s more beneath the surface than meets the eye.
Whether you’re lining up a game-winning kick or navigating a challenging day, simplicity and intentionality in your routines can make all the difference. How do you keep your rituals purposeful in high-stakes moments?
Mistakes Don’t Define You—Your Response Does
Whether you’re stepping onto the field, preparing for a big presentation, or taking an important test, mistakes can feel like the ultimate setback. You miss the shot. You stumble over your words. You miscalculate the answer. And in that moment, it can feel like everything hinges on what just happened.
Your mind might flood with thoughts like:
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I ever get it right?”
“Now I’ve ruined everything.”
These reactions are normal, but they can pull your focus away from what truly matters: what you do next. During yesterday’s webinar with Mindflow we dove into this idea, exploring the impact of perfectionism and why learning to recover from mistakes is one of the most critical skills for peak performance.
The bottom line? It’s not the mistake that matters—it’s how you respond.
Why We Fear Failure
For many of us, failure feels deeply personal. We’ve been conditioned to associate mistakes with inadequacy. This mindset often comes from societal pressures and our own internalized beliefs:
Pressure to perform: In academics, athletics, or life, there’s a constant expectation to succeed. Falling short can feel like we’re letting others—and ourselves—down.
False beliefs about failure: Perfectionism tells us that making a mistake means we’re “not good enough” or “don’t belong.”
The ripple effect: When we fear failure, we procrastinate, avoid challenges, and even burn ourselves out trying to prevent mistakes.
This fear creates a self-fulfilling cycle. We focus so much on avoiding failure that we lose sight of the process and the growth that comes from taking risks.
The Truth About Mistakes
Here’s the thing: Everyone fails. Even the most successful athletes, entrepreneurs, and leaders make mistakes—they just don’t let those moments define them. Instead, they see failure as:
A chance to learn
A stepping stone for growth
A normal part of mastery
The best performers don’t avoid failure; they embrace it as an essential part of their journey.
How to Recover From Mistakes
When failure happens—and it will—what separates great performers from the rest is their ability to bounce back quickly. This doesn’t happen by accident. It’s a skill you can develop with intentional practice.
1. Reset with a Cue
The first step to recovering is breaking the mental loop that keeps replaying the mistake. Try these simple resets:
Physical resets: Clap your hands, stomp your feet, or take a deep breath. These actions jolt you back into the present moment.
Mental resets: Use a mantra like “Next play” or “Stay here” to redirect your focus.
The goal is to create a clear line between the mistake and what’s happening now.
2. Focus on the Present
Mistakes are in the past. What matters now is what’s in front of you. Ask yourself:
“What’s my role right now?”
“What’s within my control?”
For example, if you miss a pass during a game, your next move isn’t to dwell on it—it’s to reposition yourself for the next play. Staying in the moment ensures you don’t let one mistake snowball into others.
3. Reframe Failure as Feedback
One of the most powerful shifts you can make is viewing failure as data, not judgment. When something doesn’t go as planned, ask:
“What did I learn from this?”
“What can I adjust moving forward?”
This mindset transforms mistakes into opportunities for improvement.
4. Practice Mindfulness
Developing mindfulness off the field, at work, or in daily life can help you stay present during high-pressure situations. Techniques like breathing exercises, body scans, or visualization can train your mind to let go of distractions and focus on the task at hand.
Mistakes Are Part of the Process
Every time you mess up, you’re learning. Growth and mastery don’t come from avoiding failure; they come from leaning into it. Think about the athletes who missed hundreds of shots before making game-winning ones, the entrepreneurs who failed startups before building empires, or the students who bombed exams before acing the next challenge.
Failure isn’t:
❌ A reflection of your worth
❌ A final verdict on your abilities
❌ Something to fear
Instead, failure is:
✔️ Feedback
✔️ A chance to adapt
✔️ A necessary part of progress
Why This Matters in High-Pressure Moments
In the middle of a game, test, or performance, the stakes feel high. The pressure to avoid mistakes is overwhelming. But the more you try to achieve perfection, the more likely you are to feel stuck.
When you embrace failure as part of the process, you free yourself to take risks, focus on the present, and ultimately perform at your best.
Your Next Play
The next time you make a mistake, remember: it’s just one moment. What matters most is how you respond.
Take a breath.
Refocus on what’s within your control.
Use the experience as a stepping stone for growth.
Missed the last shot? Don’t let it take the next one too.
How do you recover and refocus after a mistake?
Why Ignoring Intrusive Thoughts Isn’t Failure—It’s a Strategy for Growth
Do you ever notice your mind offering up thoughts you didn’t sign up for? Thoughts that seem to latch on at the worst possible moment? Maybe you’re gearing up for an important presentation, only to hear a voice in your head say, “What if I say the wrong thing and everyone thinks I’m incompetent?” Or perhaps you’re working on a high-stakes project and catch yourself spiraling: “If I make even one mistake, it’ll ruin my reputation.”
If you’ve experienced this, you’re not alone. Intrusive, confidence-shaking thoughts happen to all of us—whether you’re an athlete staring down a big game, a professional prepping for a career-defining moment, or simply someone trying to navigate the pressures of life. These thoughts can be overwhelming, convincing, and, let’s face it, incredibly sticky. They have a knack for showing up when you least expect them and can easily derail your focus.
For example, take a client I’ll call Sarah. Sarah is an accomplished attorney, someone her colleagues describe as a “rockstar.” But every time she prepared for court, she’d face the same intrusive thought: “What if I completely freeze and forget everything? They’ll think I’m a fraud.” No matter how many times Sarah succeeded, the thought returned, as persistent as ever. It’s easy to see how thoughts like these could shake even the most confident person.
Or consider Mike, a creative director with years of experience. Before brainstorming sessions, Mike often found himself battling a mental narrative that whispered, “You’re not as talented as everyone else in the room. Why even bother speaking up?” These moments didn’t reflect Mike’s actual abilities but had the power to leave him second-guessing his ideas.
These types of thoughts don’t just appear out of nowhere. They’re often tied to our deepest fears about failure, rejection, or inadequacy. And they’re not exclusive to OCD—though people with OCD might experience them more frequently. The good news? You don’t have to engage with these thoughts. In fact, learning how to not engage with them is a powerful strategy for growth and resilience.
The Power of Non-Engagement Responses
Here’s where non-engagement responses come into play. Non-engagement isn’t about ignoring your thoughts or pretending they don’t exist. It’s about acknowledging them without letting them dictate your actions, your mood, or your confidence. Think of it like standing at a train station. When a train of unwanted thoughts pulls in, you notice it, but you don’t have to get on board.
Non-engagement responses allow you to observe your thoughts with curiosity instead of judgment and return your focus to what truly matters. Over time, they can reduce the stickiness of intrusive thoughts and free up mental energy for the things you value most.
Examples of Non-Engagement in Action
Here are a few examples of how you can respond to those sticky, derailing thoughts:
“That’s just my mind doing its thing.”
Sarah started using this phrase when her intrusive thoughts crept in before court. Instead of trying to silence the thought or argue with it, she’d take a deep breath and remind herself: “That’s just my brain trying to keep me safe. I don’t have to react.” This simple acknowledgment helped her stay grounded.“This doesn’t define me.”
For Mike, this response became a game-changer. When thoughts about not being talented enough popped up, he’d tell himself: “A thought is just a thought. It doesn’t define my creativity or my worth.” Repeating this mantra helped him refocus on contributing to the brainstorming session instead of getting stuck in self-doubt.“Hello, thought. Goodbye, thought.”
This response is particularly helpful when a thought feels insistent, almost demanding your attention. Treat the thought like a passing car or a fleeting cloud. You can mentally wave at it, acknowledge its presence, and let it drift away. By doing this, you’re reinforcing the idea that you’re in control, not the thought.
Why Non-Engagement Works
Our brains are wired to pay attention to perceived threats, even when those threats are just thoughts. The more we engage with an intrusive thought—by arguing with it, trying to disprove it, or even attempting to push it away—the more power we give it. Non-engagement flips the script. By refusing to wrestle with the thought, you’re teaching your brain that it doesn’t need to sound the alarm every time.
It’s not about avoiding or suppressing the thought but rather about coexisting with it without letting it derail you. Think of it like walking through a park where someone is loudly shouting unhelpful advice. You hear it, but you don’t have to stop and engage. You can keep walking, focused on your own path.
Building Confidence Through Practice
Non-engagement is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice. The next time a derailing thought shows up, try one of the responses above. Remind yourself that thoughts are just mental events—they don’t define your abilities or your future.
Over time, you’ll find that these intrusive thoughts lose their grip. Instead of derailing your confidence, they’ll become background noise as you stay focused on what truly matters: your goals, your growth, and your values. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about silencing every thought—it’s about learning to thrive alongside them.
Why we shouldn’t be scared of feeling scared.
Why Fear?
Fear is one of the most misunderstood emotions, and yet, it’s something we all experience. We’re often told to “just be fearless,” as if fear itself is the enemy. But in reality, fear isn’t the bad guy—it’s a deeply rooted emotion with a purpose. Fear shows up to protect us, to alert us when something feels off or when we’re facing the unknown. It’s a natural part of being human. The problem is, fear sometimes sticks around longer than it should or becomes so overpowering that it blocks our growth, holds us back, and keeps us feeling stuck.
Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of working with clients across many walks of life, and I’ve seen how fear can show up in different ways. For some, fear of failure becomes an almost constant companion, whispering doubts and pushing them to an impossible standard of perfection. This perfectionism can be paralyzing, making it hard to move forward. For others, fear of judgment is a relentless critic, keeping them from speaking up at work, from setting boundaries at home, or from fully expressing themselves. It’s that “what if they don’t like it?” loop, a fear of rejection that feels all too real. And for others, fear is tied to past experiences—those traumatic memories that linger in the background, shaping how they see themselves, others, and the world.
Turning Fear into Growth
In my practice, I encourage clients to shift how they view and respond to fear. It’s not about getting rid of fear entirely; that’s not even realistic. Fear will always be there. But rather than letting it control their choices, we work together to understand and address it in ways that feel empowering.
Here’s how we begin transforming fear into growth:
Getting to the Root
Often, fear is a messenger, signaling something deeper that needs our attention. We explore what the fear is really about, whether it’s tied to past experiences, a deep-seated need for validation, or something else. Instead of reacting immediately, we pause to understand where the fear is coming from. This can provide clarity and help clients make choices from a place of awareness, not reaction.Taking Small, Intentional Steps
Growth isn’t about taking a giant leap; it’s about consistently moving toward things that scare us, one small step at a time. By breaking down their fears into manageable actions, clients can start to approach what they’ve been avoiding—whether it’s speaking up in meetings, trying a new activity, or setting a boundary with a loved one.Learning to Sit with Discomfort
Fear often brings discomfort, and learning to sit with it without letting it take over is a valuable skill. In therapy, we practice tolerating that discomfort, understanding that while it may feel overwhelming, it doesn’t have to dictate our actions. With time, clients begin to realize that they can coexist with their fears, making space for them without letting them run the show.Redefining Success and Embracing Imperfection
Many of us have internalized a narrow definition of success—one that’s often unrealistic and perfectionistic. Part of working with fear involves reshaping what success means and embracing effort over perfection. When we stop fixating on doing everything “just right,” we can find value in the journey, in showing up and trying, even if it’s messy.
Why This Matters
When we stop letting fear drive, we open ourselves up to possibilities we may never have imagined. I’ve seen clients who once avoided social situations start to build deeper, more authentic connections. I’ve worked with people who held back at work begin to share their ideas, step into leadership roles, and trust themselves more. For many, it’s about reclaiming parts of themselves that fear had silenced—a journey toward showing up fully and confidently, in all areas of their lives.
Fear doesn’t have to be a barrier. When we take the time to understand it, we can use it as a guide toward growth and greater self-awareness. There’s a whole world of potential waiting when we choose to face what holds us back.
Let’s Talk
If you’re ready to explore what’s possible when fear stops calling the shots, consider reaching out. Working with a professional can be a valuable step toward creating a life where fear no longer stands in the way. So, ask yourself: what’s one fear you’re ready to make peace with?
About Dr. Bonita Sur
Dr. Bonita Sur is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in helping high achievers, athletes, and professionals overcome the fears that keep them feeling stuck. Through her private practice, she guides clients to transform fear into an opportunity for growth and reclaim parts of themselves that fear has kept in the shadows.
Perfectionism vs. OCD: A Fine Line in the Workplace
Meet my client Sarah, a project manager at a tech company. She prides herself on producing top-quality work and has always seen her perfectionism as a strength. But lately, she’s been caught in a pattern of endlessly rechecking emails and tweaking presentations—not to improve them, but out of fear she’s missed something important. What started as a commitment to excellence has spiraled into a need to prevent any possible mistake. For Sarah, this isn’t about raising her standards—it’s about avoiding the anxiety of making even the smallest error. She’ll re-read an email five times, feeling a brief sense of relief each time, only for the same fears to return:
Fear of Negative Judgments:
"What if I miss a small detail and my boss thinks I’m incompetent? What if this mistake ruins my professional reputation?"
Fear of Miscommunication:
"What if my email isn’t clear enough and someone misunderstands my instructions? What if this causes confusion or delays the project?"
Fear of Forgetting Important Details:
"What if I forgot to include something critical in the report and the entire project falls apart because of me?"
Fear of Losing Control:
"What if I let my guard down and something major goes wrong? What if missing this one thing causes everything to unravel?"
Fear of Responsibility:
"What if I make a mistake and it leads to a bigger issue, like a project failure or losing a client? What if I’m held responsible for everything going wrong?"
This compulsion to eliminate doubt, over and over, is how OCD takes hold. It creates an endless loop, where the short-term relief from checking reinforces the need to check again, never fully resolving the fear. As part of OCD Awareness Week, it’s important to shed light on how OCD affects high achievers like Sarah.
Unlike healthy perfectionism, which brings satisfaction when a standard is met, OCD fuels never-ending doubt and repetitive behaviors, preventing people from feeling good about their work, no matter how hard they try. The good news is, OCD is treatable. With Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, people like Sarah can learn to face their fears without giving in to compulsive checking. ERP teaches you to tolerate uncertainty, sit with the urge to check, and regain control of your time and mental energy.
If you feel trapped in this perfectionism-OCD cycle, therapy can help you break free and refocus on what really matters.
Flexible Thinking Is…
🛑 Flexible thinking is NOT all of a sudden seeing the world all rosy.
🛑 Flexible thinking is NOT never feeling any pain and discomfort.
🛑 Flexible thinking is NOT letting go of your patterns of thinking entirely.
💭 Flexible thinking is moving towards seeing the world more authentically and as it is.
💭 Flexible thinking is feeling pain and discomfort and learning how to tolerate and cope with it.
💭 Flexible thinking is gradually introducing a shadow that your deeply held beliefs may not entirely true all of the time.
“Notice these shifts aren’t big, but small steps towards introducing doubt. “
Introducing flexible thinking is a gradual process. Our beliefs, either big or small, can be deeply engrained from our life experiences. As a result, these patterns take time to analyze, bring into our present context, and shift into something more balanced and in line with our present reality.
Notice these shifts aren’t big, but small steps towards introducing doubt. Think of it like cracking open a door to allow light to filter in. As you start peering out that small crack and seeing that you’re still safe, you may decide to open the door a little more and a little more. As you let more light in, you are able to see your present context a bit clearer and a bit clearer. This gradual process is what flexible thinking is all about. Allowing a shadow of doubt to shed light on how our present context may inform our patterns of thinking.
Why would 2019 you be proud of 2020 you?
Take a pause to reflect.
We get so caught up in the day to day particulars we find ourselves thinking—change is not coming quick enough. . .
✨With challenge comes adversity.✨
No one would have expected the beginning of 2020 to look the way it did. Not only did our hopes, aspirations, travel plans, and goals get put on hold, we also had such upheaval in our collective societal values of freedom of speech, climate change, trust in science, and of course, social justice.
We get so caught up in the day to day particulars we find ourselves thinking—change is not coming quick enough. If you’re like me, it seems like the days are simultaneously entirely too long and entirely too short. March feels like both last week and a lifetime ago. I think part of it comes from wanting to hurry through this trying year and just hope that 2021 is different! Yet, when we try and hurry past the present, it has a funny way of sneaking back up on you.
So, what if we paused to take a look back to 2019?
🍁What adversities did you overcome in 2020?
🍁What are you most proud of?
🍁What did you think you couldn’t get through, but you did?
🍁How did you use your own unique skills to make the best of a difficult situation?
🍁 How did you use your values to guide you through adversity?
🍁Why would 2019 you be proud of 2020 you? 🍁
How would you answer these questions? If you were to take the time to do this as a journal exercise, I would suspect you would find some interesting realizations. You see, we have a difficult time actually seeing change and progress when we’re in the thick of it. Especially in times of adversity, your mind turns off the introspective part for self-reflection in service of getting you through the tough times. You have to actively and consciously take the time to see the change and assess your progress.
Without self-reflection, we miss out on learning about ourselves, and having clear perspective. We don’t take time to nurture our growth mindset. We feel like time is passing us by without having any agency. Yet, that’s not an authentic perspective.
We’re constantly learning and evolving. We’re shifting past barriers and overcoming obstacles. And we don’t even take a second glance. So I encourage you, when you have some time. Take a pause to reflect. Why would 2019 you be proud of 2020 you?
Five ways to refocus your motivation
I notice my own motivation always seem to take a hit midweek. 🙇🏻♀️ How about you?
Here’s 5 ways to keep your motivation lifted and finish the week out strong like the badass you are! 🙆🏻♀️
🦉Focus on the present.
Worried about that meeting or performance review you have coming up next week or next month? Don’t. Focus on what you have going on right now. Like today. Like this hour. By staying present, you stay mindful and engaged in what you’re doing. When you’re more engaged, you feel more positive and accomplished (like hey, I can do this), which in turn, promote motivation.
🦉 Focus on what you can control.
Easier said than done, but research says focusing our efforts on what we can control and accepting what we can’t can help us feel more committed to our action. One tip I have for my frequent worriers (including myself) is to actually scheduling in worry time. That way, you can let yourself off the hook for worrying and tell your mind, I’ll put this thought aside for now and come back to it during my worry time.
🦉Focus on the why.
Why is the thing you want to get motivated about important to you? How does it fit in to your broader goals? Why are those goals meaningful to you? By deepening these inquiries, you can start shifting out to see the big picture. So when things get tough, and motivation wanes, you can remind yourself why you’re doing this.
🦉 Focus on your support.
Accountability matters! Get your people in on your goal. Ask them what theirs are. By doing stuff together and holding each other accountable, you’re more likely to follow through. Having a coach or therapist guide you through this works too!
🦉 Focus on your strengths.
If you were to ask your supervisor, coworkers, or friends what you’re good at, what do you think they would say? We get so caught up in our shortcomings, especially when things aren’t going as planned, that we often forget to also see what we are doing well. Take some time to really think about your strengths. What makes you resilient? What do you have to offer that other people don’t? How do these strengths motivate you?
How will YOU stay motivated through the end of this week!? Let’s finish it strong! 💪🏼
3 empowering ways to end out your week and be ready to tackle your next
O
ne of the top concerns from my clients is that now that they have all these really great goals and action plans and vision...how do they stay motivated and follow through? 🤷🏻♀️
How do empowered successful entrepreneurs stay motivated, even in the face of adversity???
They reflect on their business strategy WITH INTENTION.
The long and short answer is. . .
Keep what’s working. Ditch what’s not.
A key characteristic of successful people is their ability to recognize early on what strategies are sending them down the wrong path and when to cut your losses and try something new. This takes a lot of trial and error, but I like to approach it like a scientist—setting up little experiments with my clients to track their progress. It’s something you can start on your own, however often people find it invaluable to have an outside perspective from a coach to guide them in deciding when to stay the course and when to shift.
Here are some tips to get you started.
At the end of each week I encourage you to:
🔮Check in on your wins:
🌿 What worked?
🌿 What self-defeating thoughts came up?
🌿 How did you deal with them?
🌿 Who did you rely on and who was holding you back?
🔮Check in with yourself:
🌿 What energized you?
🌿 What calmed you down when you were feeling overwhelmed?
🌿 What helped you build/maintain motivation and what sabotaged you?
And here’s where you put it all together...
🔮 Check in with your next week:
🌿 What helpful strategies do you want to keep to build that momentum?
🌿 What do you want to burn and leave behind?
Doing this at the end of each week will help you self-direct your motivation and figure out what WORKS FOR YOU! Any questions? Please reach out!
Letting go of what other people would think…
We fall toward a tendency to attend more to the external reasons behind our actions, rather than connect to our own internal reasons.
Extrinsic motivation is when you do something not for internal joy, but for an external reason. Like your taxes—you do them not because it’s so fun and you love it, but because you want to get a tax return or avoid a penalty.
Although the purpose of extrinsic motivation is often to gain a reward or avoid punishment, it can also become contingent on self-worth. For example, “I’m pursuing this career because it’s what others’ expect of me— if I quit, people would think less of me and I would be a failure.” This can be an especially harmful spiral of chasing external validation because we cannot control other people’s behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. As a result, basing our own self-worth off of what other people think is a zero sum game.
But then, why do we do it? In South Asian culture, and other highly interdependent societies, so much of our behavior is tied up in societal expectations. We have a saying in Hindi, “log kya kahenge?” or “what will people think?” We highly value community and cohesion and work really hard to prevent discord. Yet, while supporting family and community can be important values, focusing on extrinsic motivation at the expense of our own personal motivation can be very self-defeating and draining over time. Especially because we have little control over what other people’s reactions end up being! We could do everything that society wanted, but there still might be someone left feeling like you could have done more…
I know personally once I started this practice of connecting my goals to my own intrinsic motivation, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I no longer was focusing on others’ and trying to chase after external validation and could focus on myself. I’m still aware of society’s expectations and consider what people important to me think, but I’m paying careful attention to what drives me internally as well.
Now, here’s a thought experiment:
What if you intentionally were to connect your purpose to something from within (think your own goals, aspirations, personal values) rather than weighing so heavily on other people’s expectations or disappointments? 🧐
🌿 What would your life’s purpose be?
🌿 Would you abandon your old purpose altogether and pursue something different?
🌿 Or would it strengthen your resolve for what you’ve been doing?
🌿 What if we dared to act for ourselves, rather than for other people’s expectations?
Five ways to shift out of your self-defeating mindset
Our minds can be our own worst enemy, constantly warnings about ourselves and our shortcomings.
Self-Defeating thoughts can sound like:
😣 I’m not good enough.
😣 I always fail.
😣 I can’t do anything right.
😣 I’m not cut out for this.
😣 I should just give up while I’m ahead.
Does this sound familiar? So how can we overcome these thoughts and reduce their control over our lives?
⭐️ Notice the thought and the context where it shows up.
Your best defense is knowing the enemy. Gain familiarity with what the thought looks like, what’s the exact content telling you, and where/when the thoughts show up in your life. Gaining this familiarity helps you 1. understand the thought better so you can reduce its impact, and 2. allows yourself some distance from the thought to look at it objectively.
⭐️ Examine the evidence from an authentic lens.
Alright thought, 👏🏽 Show 👏🏽 Me 👏🏽 The 👏🏽 Receipts!!! When we’re already down, it’s tough to look at a situation how it really is, and not just how our mind is telling us. Take some time and look at the thought more flexibly. Is this thought really true? Am I always this way, or just in certain contexts? Is the thought helpful? Does it serve a positive purpose? If you think of it like a warning, what is that warning telling you?
⭐️ Zoom out from the situation.
To gain more authentic perspective, it helps to really zoom out and look at the situation as an outsider. What would someone outside the situation really think? Would they agree 100% with the self-defeating thought? If you were to observe yourself (like Truman Show style but you’re Truman in this example!) what would you think of this situation? Would you draw the same self-defeating conclusion?
⭐️ Reframe your thinking.
Ok, so by now we have a lot of really good observations and examinations on this thought. Now let’s work on integrating that into the situation. If there is some evidence against the thought or contexts in which it’s untrue, let’s make a new thought to reflect that. Again, balanced thinking from an authentic lens is really what is that core of defeating a self-defeating thoughts! For example, a reframe could sound something like, “Sometimes I do fail, but it’s usually when I’m unsupported or unsure of myself.” By reframing, you reduce the impact of the thought, and it allows for you to make decisions coming from a more authentic perspective.
⭐️ Enlist the support of others outside of the situation.
When you’re in the thick of it, viewing your situation authentically can be super hard! In these moments, it can be helpful to find a friend or a coach that can view your situation objectively and compassionately, ask the right questions, and guide you to a different perspective.
As always, feel free to reach out if you’re interested in learning more and working with me on this issue. Self-defeating thoughts can be defeated with time, patience, and practice. Hope this article helps you get started today!
Is fear driving you?
Fear can be a powerful driver of our behavior. When we operate with fear as the driver, we often are discounting other important cues in the peripheral (e.g. resilience, or resources, such as our own knowledge and abilities). As a result, we aren’t looking out at our situation authentically, or how it actually is. Instead we are focusing on what fear is insistent on showing us. When we allow fear to remain as the driver, over time, it more often drives a reluctance to try something different, even when we’re unhappy over the direction we’re heading. Fear also then invites its friends— self-doubt, judgement, and ambivalence to the drive, who further convince us to remain as we are.
Replacing fear as the driver is tough, and takes work and time, yet there are ways to allow other drivers take a turn, and gradually allow fear to take a backseat...
Self-reflection can have a powerful impact on reducing the automatic influence of emotion driven behaviors and regaining control over your drive. Is fear driving you?
Ask yourself the following to find out:
⚡️ What fears are driving you, and who else has the fear invited? This could be self-doubt, rejection, judgment, failure. Fear has a lot of negative associates!
⚡️ Is fear an authentic friend, or has fear misled you to beliefs that aren’t grounded in your present reality? What are those beliefs? Often they come in the form of should beliefs (e.g. I should be better, but I fail), or all-or nothing thinking (e.g. I can never seem to do anything right). Is there room to look at these beliefs from a different perspective or question their validity? For example, if your belief is I can never do anything right, what are some examples where you have succeeded?
⚡️ Emotion-driven behaviors often act like our auto-pilot and take us in a direction that is not in congruence with the direction we want to go. It often leads us to escape difficult situations or conflict that would ultimately take us on the desired path. If you were to allow fear to take a backseat for a moment, would you still want to be heading in the same direction? In other words, is fear driving you towards the life you want, or is it taking you on a detour?
⚡️ What changes or possibilities would exist if fear had a smaller impact on your behavior? Allow yourself the freedom for a moment to imagine the alternate possibilities that would open up if fear was a smaller factor in your decision making. What other emotions would you let yourself feel? What opportunities for growth would open up? Would you shift career choice, go back to school, leave a toxic relationship, start fresher healthier ones? Or would the opportunities start on a smaller scale— would you initiate more conversations, tell others’ when you feel unappreciated, take a risk even when you may be wrong, or try something new?
With any new behavior change, understanding why the previous entrenched thing you’ve been always doing worked for so long is often the place to start. Fear is adaptive because it serves to protect us. On the other hand, it keeps us from taking risks and changing paths. Understanding why fear shows up in your life is the first step towards making a lasting change.
Five ways to shift out of your COVID-19 mindset
We are about 6 months in to this radical change in our lives. Whether it feels like an eternity, or you can’t remember how the time passed so quickly, or a weird mix of both, let’s take a pause out of the COVID autopilot. I know personally, in the midst of this pandemic, social upheavals, racial injustice awakening, and upcoming elections, a lot of what I do day to day feels like it doesn’t matter on a grander scale. So here are five things to help us shift mindset in this dumpster fire of a year 💩.
🌿 Notice what’s not working
Let’s start with a pause to really examine that last few months, what you were doing, and what wasn’t working. Did you feel like anxious, annoyed, or overwhelmed? Burnt-out? How intentional were you with your choices, or did you feel like you were moving on auto-pilot on most days? Take a moment to self-reflect. What were the things that helped you move forward, and what were the things that kept you in place? What were the things that you have control over (more below on that!) and what can you learn to accept.
🌿 Focus on what you can control
How annoyed do you get when you see someone not following the rules (e.g. social distancing) in the media or in real life? How frustrated do you get thinking about all the restrictions in place and things you cannot do this year? These may be small daily annoyances but they add up over time and THEY ARE DRAINING. By focusing on your own behavior and what you can control today, you can let go of so much cognitive load being spent on things you cannot change right now.
🌿Take meaningful breaks from media
Do you remember half the stories you read yesterday? Half the posts? Do they all help you contribute and engage meaningfully in your own life or is it a stream of continuous doom? It is ok to be strategic about when you’re getting your news/media and when you decide to put the phone down. It’s easy to get caught up in the need to stay informed, but notice how it’s affecting you. If you notice that you start feeling down, anxious, powerless or triggered by the news and notice that these feelings are persisting throughout the day, it may be time to reevaluate your media intake. Can you moderate the amount of time you’re spending? How about where you are getting your media—are certain sources more triggering? Or perhaps it would be helpful to take a break from media and instead have an open discussion of active issues with family and friends. Or if you’re feeling dejected or powerless in the current climate, get involved in your community and find ways that you can contribute to the solution.
Stay informed but don’t get flooded.
🌿 Take stock in what energizes you
Re-introducing small things that bring you joy and energy are important to maintaining your well-being. Take stock in what you used to do pre-covid that would energize you that you’ve stopped. What stopped you? Is it just something you can’t do during the pandemic, like traveling, or it something that you fell off your priorities as you were in survival mode, like working out?
Now that most of us are settled into some semblance of a COVID routine, it’s a great time to start thinking of ways to bring back pieces of those areas we’ve neglected. If you can’t physically travel right now, what can you do to connect with that passion? Whether it’s planning a future dream trip, or organizing old travel photos, there are many ways to reconnect with our passions even if we can’t fully pursue them right now.
🌿 Start a gratitude practice
Noticing all the privileges we still have amongst this pandemic can be incredibly uplifting. Although many of us have encountered unanticipated setbacks and disappointments this year, reframing our outlook to focus on what we are thankful for can really shift our mindset towards the positive and focusing on what we can control. And as we begin to notice what we are thankful for, we are able to build self-compassion and extend it on to others around us. If you have a journalling practice, perhaps use a gratitude prompt to think of 5 things you’re thankful for each time you journal. Or perhaps start a list of your gratitudes and remember to acknowledge and thank those people, things, or places when you encounter them in your daily life.